The Art of Letting Go
by Bairn
Summary: Connie Beauchamp and Sam Strachan fic. Based around the accident, Connie is guilt ridden over Jeff's death and her daughter's recent behaviour, facing a breakdown.
1. Chapter 1

I stared out of my study window, the sky bruised as the clouds dispersed and the torrential rain began to pour, the wind lashing it against the glass that separated me from the outside world. The autumnal orangey brown leaves blew from the surrounding trees and lay in a washed up bed, sticking to the gravel of my driveway. These leaves were like my life right now, tired and giving up on living. They have been destroyed as has my mind. I numbed at the first sign of anything tough, anything that required fighting. The battle within me is losing to my conscience as my world crashes to the ground like the leaves from those trees. I wished to block myself off from every feeling possible, the failing of being a good and able mother as well as a doctor, a leader. I desired to feel free from the overwhelming guilt that seared through me over the crash, the devastation it's led to for my team. It was my fault. It should have been me.

I turned my back on the window, wandering over to my desk to search through the days mail to distract myself. I could see the crisp cream envelope sticking out with its US airmail stamp and I nimbly traced my fingers along the letters of my name and address. If I closed my eyes I could see him, standing before me looking dapper in his suit and tie, his eyes searching mine, that wistful look on his face but I don't smile at this fondness, I cry. The tears slip away from me all too willingly as the sadness darkens my mind with its clouds and I descend into this inconsolable, emotional mess. I am the wind and the rain that ruins that beautiful day.

I don't open his letter, I just stare at it. I fear its contents, as I do every time he writes. Since he moved to New York, he's written to Grace and I in order for him to feel just that little bit British in an old fashioned way. I used to imagine this is how it felt for lovers who lived apart in my parent's generation or even farther back to wartimes. I smelt the New York air on his stationery and clutched the envelope to my chest as my heart continued to break for him even more painfully than usual as I wondered what I might be like if he were here, by my side. It just didn't bear thinking about.

I wiped away my tears as more pooled in my eyes and carried the dead weight of my body up the stairs to my bedroom. I undressed myself slowly and put my bathrobe on while I ran myself a bath in the en-suite. I tried to strike a match several times, the energy dwindling away from me until I managed to light the candles. The room mixed with a heady smell of smoke, freesia and orange blossom essences. They're supposed to, "lift your spirits" combined. I sat on the edge of the bath as the hot water still ran and placed my hand in the pocket of my robe, pulling out the letter I was still to face opening. I looked at it, turned it around and attempted to open it but my fingers froze, lingering over the back. I put it back in my pocket. Out of sight, out of mind.

I turned the hot water tap off and twisted the cold water one on, waving my hand through the water to get it to the right temperature. I undone my robe and let it fall to the floor as I stepped into the bath. I winced slightly at the heat, submerging myself into the sea of bubbles until my body adapted to the temperature. I closed my eyes and lay back, the jasmine notes from the bubble bath added to the blended floral bouquet aroma instilling calmness within me, the only noise that of the bubbles dissolving against the water. I felt free just for a moment. Behind hooded lids I could see his smiling face that haunted me every time I closed my eyes. I screamed and cried just the same as I did every night since it had happened. The steam and flashbacks blurred together through my tears. My hands cupped my face as my frame jerked with each silent sob that left me. I longed for this pain to be relieved from me, for someone to mend the broken pieces of me back together again and all I could think about was the only person who could ever mend my soul.

Dipping my head beneath the water, I could see the flicker of orange ambience to the blackened room, the whirring images of my mind. I could hear the fast, thudding heartbeat in my chest and ears. I could feel nothing but self-indignation. My anger screamed silently in waves until I could no longer hold my breath, my head rising to the surface, gasping for air. Tears wracked my shaking body, suddenly cold and shivering despite the heat. I leant over the bath and dried my hands on my towel in order to rifle through my bathrobe, peeling the sealed envelope from it. My hands trembled from the cold, my finger finding it hard to tear its way through the envelope. Finally I freed the letter. I lay on my side, still hovering over the bath, not wanting to ruin his handwritten words to me.

"Dearest Connie,

I hope that by the time you read this letter I will already have touched down on homeland and be on my way to see you. Why you might ask? Because I'm worried about you. I heard about the crash and I can't believe you didn't think to mention this over the phone or Skype. Did you not think I would find out sooner or later? Since I've found out, everything seems to have clicked into place. You've been distant, evasive and I know you remember? I want to be there for you, whether you need me or not. Despite our distance and the fact we are no longer together, I will always be there no matter what. A promise I made to you so many years ago when you brought our beautiful daughter into this world.

Before I go, I also have some news I would like to share with you. However, I feel I cannot etch the words upon this letter and I wish for you to hear them in person. It would only be right.

I arrive in Heathrow on the 4th of November around 6pm and I've hired a car to get me to Holby. I can't wait to see you both.

All my love,

Always,

Sam

XxxxX"

A sudden sense of relief washes through my body as I slip the letter back into its envelope, returning it to the pocket of my bathrobe. I search for my phone and check the date, my mind lost with what day of the week it is. The 4th of November, 8.15pm. He would be here within the hour. I panicked, quickly washing my hair and body. I drained the bath and dried myself off, wrapping my body up in my bathrobe and towel dried my hair. I wiped away the steam from the mirror and took a look at my sunken face, the veins at the side of my head risen from the heat of the bath and the dark bags beneath my eyes from sleepless nights ruining my complexion. I sighed and blew out my candles, closing the door behind me. I walked into my wardrobe, my eyes having to adjust to the bright lights. As I flick through my clothes the doorbell rings. Impeccable timing. I tighten the ties of my bathrobe and run down the stairs as the doorbell sounds again.

As I open the door, I see him casually leaning against the wall clutching a bouquet of the most beautiful lilies I have ever seen. For the first time in my life I am speechless, frozen to the spot. "May I come in? You'll catch a chill if we stand here all night." I looked away from his questioning eyes, nodding and stepping out of his way. He makes his way into the living room picking up a vase, heading through to the kitchen to fill it with water, arranging the lilies just as I liked them. He placed them back in the living room on the bay windowsill, still knowing his way around my home. I stood leaning against the door frame and as he turned around, his eyes met mine again. "Thank you for the flowers. They're beautiful." I held back the tears as my voice wavered slightly. He walked over to me and opened his arms, wrapping them around me and I just crumbled. My head was buried in his chest as the hot tears spilled from my eyes and into his jumper. His hands stroked my hair comfortingly, resting at the nape of my neck as he whispered, "Everything will be alright. I'm here now." I hugged him tighter, not ever wanting to let him go. He kissed my head and I embraced his scent. I had missed him so much, I couldn't put it into words just tears.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as I eventually prised myself away from him. "I'm so sorry." My head hung as I wiped away the remaining tears from my face. I felt his finger beneath my chin, tilting my head up so my eyes could meet his. "You don't have to apologise for anything. I came here for you Con." I pulled away from him again as the never ending flow of tears escaped again. "I can't do this Sam." I cupped my hands over my face so I couldn't see him. "You don't have to do anything. Come on." He took my hand, switched the lights off, locked the front door and guided my upstairs to my bedroom.

I allowed him to settle me in my dresser chair and he dried my hair, massaging my scalp with his free hand like my mother used to when I was a child or when I was in my teens and I felt ill, it was my comfort. I applied cream to my pale face and rubbed some together on my hands, trailing along the scar against my right wrist. I willed myself not to close my eyes, to see the flashing of images, reliving the moments. My breath became ragged, like someone was choking me. Sam turned the hair dryer off and tied my hair in a bobble and looked at me through the mirror as my breathing steadied itself. "Thank you for your kindness." I got up from my seat and wrapped my arms around him and kissed him gently upon his cheek. "It's the least I can do." I shook my head. "You don't owe me anything Sam, not even kindness." He stroked the side of my face and kissed the tiny scar upon my head. I was lucky. "I think you should get a goodnights rest. We can talk tomorrow." I nodded in agreement with him. "I um, I only read your letter while I was in the bath so I haven't had a chance to make up the spare bed." I fiddled with my hands, pretending to rub excess cream into them. "I'll sleep on the sofa, it's fine." He turned his back and I closed my eyes. "You can sleep in beside me, only if you want to. You've had a long day I'm sure and to be honest, the company would be lovely." I opened my drawer searching for my pyjamas, distracting myself from him. "I guess I could handle your snoring for the evening. I might be that jet lagged that I may not even notice it." For the first time in weeks, perhaps months, I laughed and threw the nearest cushion at him. "Still as cheeky as ever. I'm going to get changed. Don't snore before me." He threw the cushion back at me as I closed the door behind me to the en-suite.

I emerged from the bathroom and switched the lights out, climbing into the open duvet next to his warm body. I allowed his arm to wrap itself around my neck and I lay my head against his bare chest, thankful for his embrace. His chest rose and fell in unison with mine and I could feel myself drifting off. As I closed my eyes, I couldn't see those horribly vivid images. I didn't break into a cold sweat and start gasping for air, screaming myself awake. For the first time in weeks, I fell into a warm, relaxing and peaceful slumber. I always functioned better when his soul was beside mine.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the lovely comments. They always mean a lot to me. Hope you enjoy. x

I stirred as the daylight slipped through the slats of the blinds. I hadn't moved from his embrace all night. I could feel his gentle breathing on the back of my neck, the warmth of his skin pressed against mine. I didn't want to move. I felt safe when he was lying next to me. I wasn't afraid of the nightmares, the horrifyingly vivid flashbacks. I could feel a little part of me heal at his touch. He always was the one person who could truly understand me in a way no one else could. The birth of our daughter changed us, not immediately but over time. It was his move to New York which brought us together in a way I could never have imagined. His absence made me long for him and the love I felt back then had grown into something I will never be able to control nor feel for anyone else. It's a love that runs deeper than any other kind of love I have felt. It's the bond of our daughter, the pinnacle of our relationship, the everything of our distant lives.

His body moved beneath mine, his free arm stretching out as he yawned. I turned my head to look up at him, his eyes scrunched reacting to the sudden flood of light invading his darkness. His lips pressed against my forehead and I felt a little flutter, as I always did. "What are you thinking?" I could feel the vibration, the echo of voice as my head lay against his upper chest. "I'm thinking how horribly regretful I am that we got so drunk last night and how I lured you into my bed." He laughed. "Just like the good old days." I nodded in agreement. "We didn't need the alcohol back then." I couldn't help but laugh at the memories that came rushing back. "No we didn't." His voice rose with a giggle and we just lay there in silence for a while longer, neither of us willing to break it.

"Con, what happened?" His words hung in the air after a period of perfect stillness. I fumbled with words and images that had been burnt in my mind, unable to pass the connection from my brain to my lips. "I decided to take the best performers of the team to visit this underachieving hospital. We were supposed to go and give them guidance, in return we'd get some funding for the department." My voice cracked and I fought back the tears that were threatening to spill. "Somehow we got lost. We were all a little distracted looking at the map and uh, this Land Rover, it just... came out of nowhere." A single tear rolled down my face, the saltiness reaching the parting of my lips. "The van... It uh, it tipped over on the driver's side and we..." I tilted my head away from him, the tears falling freely and I felt his hand squeeze mine gently, encouraging me to carry on and reassuring me at the same time. "We were pushed by the force of the other vehicle along the road until we eventually came to a stop. Everyone was conscious except Ethan. He was trapped, his heart rate slowing. Lily was hysterical, Ash was trapped. I managed to reach for my phone and called for an ambulance. I pulled myself up from the wreckage as they arrived and..." I halted, his name on my lips but my voice silent. "Je... Jeff, he lifted me out. He calmed me down, asked me if I was ok. He held my hand as he assessed the scene, made me focus on prioritising everyone. Lily was sent away in an ambulance with Tess to keep her calm. Tess was fine. We had been fortunate. Jeff, he said "Ok Princess, are you alright?" I'd argued I was fine, I'd told him I wanted to stay, wait for Ethan and Ash to check they were going to be ok but he... He was worried about me. He wouldn't let me stay. He wrapped his ambulance jacket around me, told me off, "You're going to be far more use to me there than you are here." I told him to keep me posted and the last thing he ever said to me was, "Of course I will." I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I pulled out of Sam's embrace, sitting up with my knees curled up to my chest, burying my head in my hands as I lost all control over my emotions. "He told me to go and I did." My voice was cracked, muffled through my hands. "It should have been me Sam. He should still be here today. It was all my fault." His fingers stroked the top of my head and he wrapped his arm around me, hugging my awkward body. His whispers slow and sweet as he spoke, "Shh. It's alright. I'm here. Just you let it all out."

I had lain there, cradled in his arms until the last tear left in me slid down my cheek and dropped from my chin. I was so numb that I couldn't move nor could I even speak. I just stared into space, the only picture etched upon my mind was that of the man who risked everything to be our hero that day. His heartfelt kindness, his bravery that day led to the devastating shockwaves of the news of his death. It just wasn't right for God to take him and I will blame myself every single day for the rest of my life for it should have been me in his place.

"I promise that one day, all of this, this guilt, it will loosen its hold over you."

"It won't. It's been a month already and I spend every moment I have alone exactly like this. Don't you see I'm being punished for what I did?"

"You can't blame yourself for this. It was an accident."

"If it wasn't for me, none of us would have gotten into that van. Jeff lost his life because I wanted that extra funding. His life was worth a million times more than that Sam."

"You weren't getting into that van thinking there was going to be an accident, there was going to be casualties and nor did you think someone would lose their life. It wasn't your fault."

"It doesn't matter what you say, I will carry this guilt with me to my own grave, where I should be instead of being here with you, talking about this."

"Don't you dare say that. What about our daughter huh? Was she supposed to grow up without her mother? No. You're still here and for that, I am thankful even if you're not."

"I wouldn't wish that on Grace, not ever so don't you insinuate otherwise."

"If you wish it were your life that had been taken instead of Jeff's, you're taking a mother away from her child. Think about it like that. You were left here not to be punished but to be rewarded with the greatest gift you told me life had ever given you, so don't wish that away. Count your blessings, cry and move on."

The harsh truth of his words stabbed at my heart and I buried my face in my hands once more. I thought of nothing more than our daughter. I wanted the best for her, to give her everything I never had as a child. I wished for her to make a difference in someone else's life like she had done for Sam and I. I hoped that one day she would see how hard we fought for her and that she would perhaps choose the same path her parents had. Lately though, I found it hard to give her what she needed on my own. It was a constant battle I felt I was never going to win.

I attacked the teardrops that slid down my cheeks, wiping them away with my fingers quickly. "You sound just like the old me." Finally breaking the long pause of silence. "One day soon the old you will be back." He nudged his shoulder against mine, smiling with positivity. "I wish I could think that but this has changed me, changed everything." He tilted my head around to meet his and held it there. "An event like that will undoubtedly change your outlook on life Con. You just have to learn to cope to live through it and come out the other side." I smiled weakly through the bubbling tears and nodded, knowing he was right.

"We should take a drive down to Dorset, pick Grace up from school while you're here and spend some time together." His face lit up. "I would love that." I smiled at the thought of them meeting again. I can't imagine what it's like spending six months away from her. I find it hard enough sending her to boarding school for the week. I live for my weekends with her and I dread the drive back on a Sunday afternoon, a feeling of loneliness striking me every time I return home without her. "I'll have to lie to get her out for the week. They're rather strict on taking their pupils out during term time." I watched his face turn quizzical, thinking of an excuse. "We'll have to make up a bereavement in the family. A sibling we never had perhaps?" I gasped at the harshness of his trickery. "We can't do that." He laughed. "Don't tell me you've never told a lie for some personal gain?" I rolled my eyes and knew he'd got me. "Fine, but it will have to be yours. The next port of contact for Grace in her school records is Elliot down as her God Father. I told them I had no remaining family." He looked at me sadly for a second. A sudden look of guilt glittered his eyes for a moment. "Come on. We're wasting time moping about here. The sooner we leave, the sooner we get to see Grace." I rubbed his arm gently, urging him to get out of bed.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you all for the lovely comments as always. x _

Sam insisted on driving us to Dorset and I gave in but under the condition that we took my car. Airport rentals just didn't do specialised Mercedes Benz. Of course he obliged only too willingly. The drive was lovely, a hint of serenity about it with no music to distract us. I loved the views as a passenger, the city slipping by with each mile we took until eventually it was meandering our way through small villages, trees and the most wonderful scenery. We talked like couples would, laughed and joked as if we had never been apart, that distance having somehow brought us together like it never had before. It was different, surreal almost that it could affect us in this way that I had once dreamed we could have been if we had stayed together. We were no longer contrasting people, we were more alike now than ever before.

I had omitted talking about Grace's behaviour, my failures as her Mother too hard to say aloud. I didn't admit to struggling very easily but the truth is I need him around more. It would be selfish to ask it of him, I couldn't ask him to give up on his son nor his New York life because I wanted this. I was the one who had pushed him away. A little part of me wondered if she would be better off going to live with him to see if she's happier but I can't give up on her. I can't even bear the thought of living a life with her on a different continent. It's hard enough sending her off to boarding school every week. I couldn't dispel the conflictions running through my head. They were affecting my daily judgements, my balancing act tumbling to the ground in an extraordinary fashion. I was losing control of everything and it frightened me. I don't know what I would do if I were to fall farther, harder than this.

As we entered the school grounds, the car came to a halt, I took a deep breath in readiness having already held back too much from him. "There's something I haven't told you. I couldn't do it over the phone nor on Skype. It would have worried you too much." He pulled the keys out of the ignition and turned his head to read my expression. "What is it?" He looked sympathetic yet puzzled. "The day of Jeff's funeral, I had a phone call from Grace's school. They'd expelled her for bad behaviour." I dropped my gaze from his, his eyes ablaze with hurt. "Tell me everything." I inhale deeply, closing my eyes before letting it all flood out. "I've had to move her twice now. She's in the last good school in Dorset. They've already suspended her from this school. If she gets expelled from this one again I don't know what I'm going to do with her. She seems so angry all the time, I'm failing her Sam. I give her everything but it's not enough. I wouldn't be surprised if we walked in here and were sat down to be told her behaviour had become too big an issue for them. It's become so hard for her lately, for us. I don't seem to know what she wants or needs anymore. Every time I ask her she screams at me, we argue and I cry because I don't know what to do with her." I clear my throat, fighting back the tears I didn't want to cry. A sudden strength pushing them back now the words were spoken. "Don't worry, we'll sort it out. I'll talk to her, see what's going on." I nodded in agreement. "She'll probably tell you she hates me, that I'm a bitch and she wants to live with you." His hand felt for mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Whatever has happened with her, she doesn't mean it. We'll deal with this together. Now, put on that brave face of yours and channel that Connie I once knew. I expect we'll need her to pull the wool over their eyes in here." I couldn't help but laugh. I'd missed his humour.

I checked my reflection in the mirror, applying a little lipstick to distract from the drained, pale look I was currently pulling off rather well. I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly in preparation for what was about to come. I couldn't wait to see Grace's face light up upon seeing her Father but in equal measure, I dreaded to the pit of my stomach the look of hate and despair that would dance on her eyes as she looked at me. I closed my eyes and prayed that Sam would be able to make a difference as we got out of the car and walked into the school. He draped his arm around me, hugging me as we walked, whispering, "Everything will be alright. I promise." I tilted my head up to meet his gaze. "I genuinely hope you're right otherwise I don't know what I will do." He kissed my head as we parted through the doors to the school.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks again for all your wonderful comments. They mean a lot to me. x _

Sam and I sat waiting for Grace to be collected. We had managed to spin our web of lies quite successfully saying Sam's sister had died rather suddenly and how important it was that she be surrounded by her family at such a time. I asked them kindly not to mention her Father's presence, not wishing to worry her before we had a chance to explain what had happened. I felt incredibly guilty at how sympathetic they had been over the whole thing. "I can't believe we just got away with that." I muttered to him. "I know. It just all came too easily." I smirked at him and quickly remembered we were supposed to be grieving. "Perhaps you should wait outside and we can surprise her? It might earn me some greatly needed brownie points." He dug the car keys out of his blazer pocket and he bowed his head in acknowledgement. "I'll let you have this one, just this once." I shoved him playfully as he made to get up, winking as he exited the door.

I swallowed the thick lump that lay heavy in the back of my throat, standing up to meet my daughter as she walked through to the reception area, her face a picture of bewilderment. I hooked my bag over my arm and closed the gap between us, bending my knees to her level, embracing her in a warm hug like I did every time we'd been away from each other. "Hello my darling." It pained me when her arms didn't wrap themselves around as tightly as they once did. They hung loose, awkward and un-reciprocating. "What are you doing here?" Her voice direct, uncaring and I fought back the tears of hurt, smiling through the ache that tore through my heart. "I don't want to tell you here. We will talk about it when we get home. Now, come on sweetheart, thank Ms Blake and we'll be on our way." I gratefully accepted Grace's bag of possessions, placing my hand on her shoulder to encourage her to speak. "Thank you Ms Blake." She dripped with attitude and I smiled apologetically. "You're welcome. I'll see you soon. You both take care now." Her smile was sympathetic and I felt a pang of guilt at the lie we were now embroiled in. "Thank you so much Ms Blake. We'll be in touch soon." I wrapped my arm around my daughters shoulder but she shrugged it off as soon as we exited the building.

"I have a little surprise for you darling." She pulled herself away from me, walking down the steps ahead of me. "What?" I felt a sense of loss, this girl before me a far cry from the daughter I love so dearly. "Less of the attitude please." She stopped and turned to look at me defiantly. "No." My breath caught in the back of my throat. "I beg your pardon?" Her pace became faster than the clicking of my stiletto clad feet. "You heard me." I sped up, putting my hand upon her shoulder to stop her, turn her around. Her face was filled with such anguish for a child. It was like she was possessed by it. "You listen to me. I will not be spoken to in that manner by you nor anyone else so you can cut it out right now. I don't know what's gotten into you lately but I know it has something to do with me. I just wish you would tell me Grace. I'm your Mother. We need to sort this out." I held onto her, my glassy eyes searching hers for answers but she looked away. "I don't have to tell you anything." Her arms ripped free from me and I lost control, the tears resurfacing. "Tell your Father then." I almost whispered, my voice wobbling as she turned to face me. "If only he were around Mum!" The pitch of her voice so high as she shook with rage. "He's behind you." Sam sent me a questioning gaze, I nodded saying I was fine as I wiped away the teardrops. Grace turned and ran into her Father's open arms as he dropped his knees to the ground. Her head buried in his chest as he held her so tight. I cried tears of happiness and tears of hurt that she couldn't be like that with me. I hid myself as I opened the boot of the car, placing Grace's bag in and taking a moment to inhale some fresh winter air into my lungs willing it to fight away the drops of salty moisture. I composed myself, dabbed beneath my eyes with a tissue and closed the boot of the car. I lost myself, transfixing my gaze upon them but for just a moment, I closed my eyes and dreamt that I was in that picture. I open them and I'm merely a shadow in the background.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all of your comments, always mean so much to me. I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated, I've been away. Hope you enjoy. x **

I followed the fading brown leaves of the trees as they whirred by beneath the dusky sky. I imagined myself on the outside, the dim winter sun hovered in the background. A light chill clung to the breeze that twirled the floating leaves as they delicately rested upon the ground creating a colourful bed against the little visible patches of green, somehow adding a touch of brightness, distracting from the pale sky. I watched my daughter merrily ride her bike along the path through the park, excitedly shouting back to watch her go. I smiled, not ever wanting to take my eyes away from her, to forget this memory nor to feel the pride that consumed my very being every time I set my eyes on her. She is the reason I am still breathing, my life, my everything. A life without her, I knew wouldn't be worth living at all.

The winter sun dipped along the horizon ahead of us, surrendering to the darkness. I leant my arm against the window, my hand hidden behind my long, soft curls as it silenced the tears that slipped away from me so freely. I found myself staring at my reflection as the twilight obstructed my view. The veins in my temples rose from the invasive pain that quashed my brain and the lines gathered, creasing across my forehead, aging me. I listened to their dulcet tones as they collided all around me, rippling waves through me, my body shaking with each wrenching but silent sob I allowed to escape.

I stroked the skin of my hand with my delicate fingers, dazed as my heart ached, burdened with a heaviness I never thought could exist. I wanted to claw away at the skin that fell beneath my fingers, to see the white indentations scrammed beneath my nails redden and rise just so I could feel anything but this vulnerable, raw exposure. I shut my eyes as if I were sleeping, discouraging the flashes of shouting and the tears of my heartbreak until I could piece together my day dream. That winter day filled with a child's laughter, a Mother's happiness and a warmth of perfection that carried itself in the air.

The wheels of the car crunched against the stones beneath, the motion stopping as we ground to a halt, the noise of the engine fading into nothing but a dead silence. I feared opening my eyes, losing the portrayal of a life Grace and I used to live, not wishing to be stung by the harshness of this reality. "We're here." His hand rested upon my arm, giving it a gentle shake. I nodded as I opened my eyes to him. I smiled weakly as Grace got out of the car and slammed her door behind her making me jump a little. "I'll talk to her." A single tear rolled down my face. "Thank you." I placed my hand on top of his and squeezed it before I wiped away the tear and stepped out of the car.

I unwrapped my scarf as I stood in the hallway, unbuttoning my coat and hung them both up on the stand. "I'll just go and take a bath before I prepare the dinner if that's alright?" I picked up Grace's bags and coat from the ground, placing hers over another hook. "Of course. It will give Grace and I a chance to catch up." I smiled and made for the stairs until his hand wrapped around my wrist, drawing my attention back towards him. "There's a fireworks display on in the park along the road tonight, I saw the signs. Perhaps we could all go after dinner?" Bonfire night, the date had slipped my mind. I always took her every year without fail since she was a toddler. She adored it. "Grace loves bonfire night. I'm sure she would love to go with her Father. Why don't the two of you go? It will give you some alone time." Grace nodded happily at the thought, dispelling me from the equation. I released myself from his grasp and carried on up the stairs. I questioned my conflicted mind, deep down knowing it was the best thing to do despite the lingering feeling of affliction and sadness that had run its way through me. I couldn't taint my daughters fondest memories with our struggles against each other, I just couldn't.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much for the comments. Sorry I've left it so long in updating. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading. :)**

_The warm sensation of her skin underneath my cold fingers disappeared, her gaze dropping from mine as she twisted her body away from me until I could no longer see her small frame before me. I felt a pang of guilt rise within me. I was able to sense her anguish, see the fear and pain that danced in her eyes. I could feel it all from the connection of our souls, the momentary touch of our skin that burnt every time, an imaginary scar brandishing the surface of her touch. _

_I turned my back on the stairs, Grace beaming beside me at her accomplishment of banishing her Mother from our evening. I smiled, picking her up and cradled her in my arms as if she were that tiny baby once again. I wished to turn back the clocks of time, to start all over again and maybe things would have turned out differently. Perhaps there wouldn't be all of this conflict between such a doting Mother and daughter. I carried her through to the living room, dropping us down on the sofa. Her head buried itself in my chest as her arms remained wrapped tightly around my neck. _

_"Gracie, what's going on with you and your Mother darling?" _

_"Don't spoil things Daddy. I want to spend my time with you." _

_"I asked you a question." _

_"She hates me." _

_"What on earth makes you think that? Your Mother loves you more than anything else on this planet." _

_"She loves her job more than me." _

_"She works to give you all the things she didn't have growing up. Did you know your Mum was the brightest kid in her school? She struggled and fought her way through a tough life to go to university, something which rarely happened where your Mother was brought up. I know she worked hard to become the best she possibly could and she did it all so that when she had you, you would never want for anything. You have a realm of opportunities thanks to her. Her job used to be her life but I know the sacrifices she has made to give you as balanced a life as she possibly could on her own. She could be anywhere in this world doing what she does best, being one of the best heart surgeons in her field but instead, she moved back here to keep you both in one place, a place that you can call home forever. I haven't been here to help your Mother bring you up but do you know what I think?" _

_"No?" _

_"I think that your Mother has brought you up so well without little help in the way of family. Nannies may have come and gone, schools may have done the same but when you're home that makes the time you share together a little more precious. I know your Mum lives for the weekends because she is close enough to see you. If you keep getting yourself expelled from every good, reward worthy school she puts you in, you're going to end up farther and farther away from home and I know that breaks your Mother's heart because it's more time spent travelling, wasting the time she holds precious to you." _

_"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be bad." _

_"Then why are you?" _

_"I don't like being so far away." _

_"You don't have to be far away if you stop misbehaving." _

_"I hate it in Dorset. I hate her for sending me there." _

_"Don't ever let me hear you say that again about her." My voice was stern, a little harsh, perhaps frightening look across my face. A defence barrier had risen and I knew the problems ran deeper than I had originally thought. "You're lucky you still have a Mother Grace. You very nearly didn't a few weeks ago in that car crash."_

_"She was fine though." _

_"That isn't the point. An ordeal like that takes time to recover from. Worrying about you, losing a member of her team at work, a colleague, a friend. That's hard to deal with. She blames herself for what happened that day. It was a tragic accident that no one could have seen coming but it's affected your Mum pretty badly so when she sees you now, she wishes to hug you a little tighter, cherish every moment you spend together because she is lucky. You are lucky Gracie. I wish you could see that." _

_I pressed my finger against her chest, reiterating the point I was trying to make. Her face crumpled, eyes scrunching as tears began to fall from them. I regretted the harshness of my tone, my choice of words but battled with myself that it was right. In the end it would bring them together. I wrapped my arms around her tight, stroking her back as I whispered in her ear that it would all be fine. Her grip was tight, fistfuls of my jumper in her hands as her tears became uncontrollable. "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm so sorry." I pulled her face from my chest and wiped away her tears. "It's not me you need to apologise to, it's your poor Mother upstairs crying just like you are now because this year she isn't the one taking you to see those fireworks like she manages to do every other year since you were a little girl." She sniffed and balled her fists like a child does when they try to dry their tears. I kissed her head gently and carried her in my arms up the stairs. I tapped at Connie's bedroom door and crept my way through the door. She lay on her side, hugging a pillow against her chest as her body convulsed from each heart wrenching tear which cascaded down her freckled cheek. _

Her cries were in rhythm with mine as Sam placed her gently on the bed between us. Her head lay on the pillow next to me so we were facing, her palms pressed against my cheek, dabbing at the tears that had stained my cheeks with their damp tracks. I mirrored her, using my thumbs to dry away mine as I managed to half laugh, half cry at this moment. "I'm so sorry darling." I let the tears roll, no longer a weakness but begging for her forgiveness. "It's me who is sorry Mama. You were just doing your best." I held her head in my hands and kissed her on her lips, on her nose and on her forehead and she gave the most heart warming giggle that always forced a smile upon my lips no matter how I was feeling. I squeezed her tight as she wrapped an arm around my neck, her breath warm on my face as she still lay in front of me, her forehead touching mine. "You're so precious to me darling. I hope you know that." She smiled and nodded. "I love you Mama." Her wet lips hit my cheek and I sat up, lifting her up onto my lap and embraced her so tight I thought I might break her. "I love you so much more." I turned my head to look at Sam, mouthing the words thank you on my lips as the tears continued to fall, tears of joy and no longer anguish. I freed my left hand and found his, squeezing it tightly before letting it go, ushering him closer as I lifted Grace to half sit on her Father's lap, half on mine. I allowed my head to fall upon his shoulder, his arm draping along mine.

"Grace has something she would like to ask you."

"Oh yeah. Would you like to come to the fireworks with us? I really want you to come because it wouldn't be the same without you there."

"I would love nothing more."


End file.
